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[28 May 2006|12:58pm] |
Oh... memorial day is always so depressing... Especially since mom and I are dedicated to the television screen, and I feel an obligation to listen to the stories of the people that have died for my country... but I already have depression, my heart cannot take this... TT_TT A song they need to sing is the Hymn of Philip Bliss- 'It is Well With My Soul'... I wish I had a piano, I would write a symphony if I could for these people...
How cool would that be if I could be buried in the Arlington National Cemetary? I'm too chicken-shit to fight, so... there goes that... but maybe I can contribute great works in honor...?
*sigh* I dream of becoming... such a great person... I am a terrible person. It feels hypocritical.
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[07 May 2006|12:00pm] |
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And I just went through and deleted a whole bunch of entries. I made some private too. I'm tired of looking at my past failures. -____-
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[07 May 2006|11:32am] |
I got into a huge fight with my dad last night. I hadn't taken my medication yesterday, so, I was completely horrified when he suddenly decided to call and tell me that he had visited my school and heard that I wasn't going to graduate.
This all has to do with his child-support continuing.
What a bastard.
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[25 Apr 2006|07:10pm] |
When I went to school today, I knew it was going to make me cry... I knew I needed to talk to Ms. Maryol about my schedule and about how I wanted to go back to Bell... Before I could get a word out, she started talking about me maybe going to summer-school, needless to say, I started crying right then-- I hadn't even brought up Bell yet!
"I have to go back to Bell--!"
"We need to have a meeting with your mother and the English teacher to see what is best for you..." Ms. Maryol looked at me straight in the eye, I didn't see even a hint of sympathy.
"I'm tired of other people telling me what's best for me! The last time that happened it was- 'We think it's best that you go back to KEYS' and look at how that turned out!"
"Well, you don't seem to be choosing what is right for yourself, so we've had to decide those things for you--"
"I know what's best for me! This is it, and I need help! The only reason 'you've had to decide those things for me' is because once you tell me what I need to do you leave me to rot~! I've asked for help, I know I need help, and every time I ask for it, no one can help me--"
"Amber, there is only so much we can help you before you need to do it on your own."
"I have been doing it on my own! I never get help, I don't have any support! I've never had any support! How can I do anything on my own when I've had nothing to tell me that they've got my back? After having fallen so many times, there is only so much I can take! I'm burnt out! I need help, I need more than what I've been getting."
No one is willing to help me that much though... Since mom couldn't pick me up today, I stormed home in the rain after I had called her and she told me she couldn't... All I could think about was how no one could understand that I am dying, literally. For all the people that have committed suicide in the word-- what does it take to get the help, the support, the encouragement that one needs to get through that? The world is already bleak enough, and after living through the blackness for so long for seeing no light at the end of the tunnel no matter what-- what does it take to get someone's attention? To get someone else's true committment?
I hate how I see all of these people saying, "I wish there was more I could have done... I wish I had only known." WELL SERIOUSLY?!! CAN I BE SCREAMING ANY LOUDER?!! I don't blame these people for killing themselves anymore, but I can't give up, giving up-- truly giving up a struggle just isn't in me. There's no way I could kill myself, but I can only dream of how nice it would be-- not to escape, but finally get people to realize how much I hurt--- and isn't it sad that it comes to that? That's why I say I am dying, I need this and I can't stress it enough-- short from actually committing suicide how do I get these people's concern and help? "I wish there was more I could have done." Well, here's your chance- CHRIST! What does it take?!!!
Seriously.... what do I need to do?
I also kept thinking about how badly I wanted Dr. Willoughby to be there telling them everything that I can't seem to convey. I know they'd listen to an adult, much less someone with a PHD...
I need to go back to Bell. I need help. I've asked and begged and cried and screamed for help out of pure desperation, but it's really a tragedy that no one seems to notice, no one is ever going to be there for me.
Well, I have God. *sigh* Of course.... so... I'm still waiting........
*digs toe into the ground*
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